"Swamp-Ass"

As we wait to get into the garage I hear the ramblings of the "Harrys and the Henrys". They aren't talking about set-ups and pit stops. They are moaning about the dreaded "swamp ass" that they all plan to deal with throughout this long, hot day in Nashville. And I agree it is a hot one. "Hotter than Africa" one Harry said. I myself have never been to Africa but he obviously had and apparently it wasn't nearly this hot.

For those of you who don't know the term "swamp ass" ..well I'm not surprised, it was new to me about a year ago. It's basically diaper rash for adult men. Which, in my opinion, is a very fitting description. Other terms used throughout the garage are: monkey-butt, chapped ass, and the worst "Chad Chaffin" (a race car driver who's name is now used to describe a rash on someones butt :sigh: poor guy). My favorite is "swamp-ass" tho.
Companies have invented products to help the Harrys out, Anti-Monkey Butt Powder and Boudreaux Butt Paste, yup Butt Paste. Just to name a few.
Throughout my years of being only one of two females in the garage I often entertain my thoughts with keeping score between myself, "The AP Organization" and all the guys, "The Harry's and Henry's" ....so when I hear the disappointment in their voices regarding their "swamp-ass" I giggle because I "win" this one. In the right situation I could fall victim to a case of "Monkey Butt" as well, but not near as easily, for obvious reasons. In the garage most all of the race teams wear black pants as part of their uniform. Most wear a brand called Dickies. I also have to wear black pants. It wasn't til the day that I made the attempt to wear mens Dickies that I realized how the Dickies play a huge role in the need for "Butt Paste." Every pair of men's pants had my inseam somewhere around 8" below my crotch. Therefore causing a "Penguin-esk" feel. "Is this how men wear their pants? This is ludicrous!" Obviously the extra square foot of fabric, coupled with sweat, extra "cargo" and lots and lots of walking is the culprit for such suffering.

I grin at the idea of a "win" over the Harry's. I don't have an extra square foot of fabric and better yet I don't have "Swamp Ass" . However this mini "win" isn't free. See they don't make Dickies for woman ... that aren't horrendous. And by horrendous I mean a waist line that comes up to my bra or a horrid tapered leg, straight out of the 1980s. I may be a mechanic but I still like to look cute and be comfortable. What girl doesn't? My price to pay for looking cute and not having "Swamp Ass" is the $70, for each pair of work pants, that I shovel out monthly to JCrew or Banana Republic. While these pants are a perfect fit and well worth the 200% mark-up, they are designed for the working girl. The paper-pushing, working girl not the climbing around under race cars, working girl.

I get it tho, JCrew and Banana Republic can't cater to the small percentage of female mechanics. So I have decided that one day I will design my own line of women's work pants, don't laugh, its going to happen. They will be Low Rise, Boot Cut but out of stronger fabric. I plan to call them "NoDickies" :hehe: Yup, I've thought this out! No extra fabric, cute cut, no "swamp-ass" ... NoDickies.